Bittersweet Friends

If you haven’t been shot already, it’s too late – you’re already dead.

I’m sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, but the SWINE FLU has taken over the world, and here in Vancouver the delirium has reached a fevered pitch (literally). Every day the headlines get 30pt larger and bolder on the front cover–warnings to the ones who aren’t sick yet–it’s only a matter of time. Warnings to get your flu shot RIGHT NOW – except oops, there aren’t enough – sorry, you’re a goner. What, you aren’t dead yet? Any minute now, it’s coming – trust us. It’s probably best just to self diagnose any pain that you might have henceforth as the SWINE FLU just to be cautious. Knee hurt? It’s quite obviously the beginning joint aches of the SWINE FLU. Stomach sore? It’s not at all to do with the fact that you drank a flat of beer last night, smoked 2 packs of cigerettes and have eaten nothing but cheetos for 3 days, it’s the SWINE FLU (the fact you managed to pry yourself from your death bed long enough to type this – congratulations, you must be one of the heartier (temporary) survivors of the EPIDEMIC. Hell, epidemic doesn’t sound scary enough anymore – let’s try PANDEMIC on for size. That’s better… speaking of which, are your clothes feeling too tight? Yikes… you’re in the final stages my friend – your swollen extremities are an indication that you have but mere hours to live (so please spend those last remaining hours leisurely perusing the pages of our trustworthy and accurate newspaper). Coughing? It couldn’t at all be that  exotic mystery illness that rarely  descends the city in the winter months (yes, you know the one I’m talking about – the one that requires the stringent remedy of laying on the couch watching 80’s brat pack movies and drinking Nyquil by the gallon?). No, it’s undoubtedly and absolutely the SWINE FLU – best to make sure that all your worldly affairs are in order, like finishing your last will and testament and eating the rest of that 4-gallon tub of Rocky Road you bought on sale last week at Safeway. No one will care if you can’t fit into your pants in a few days anyway – it’s in poor taste to mock those who have passed on. Yes, you may have seen in the fine print on the 97th page of the paper (underneath the classified listings for farm machinery) that admits that far (FAR) (FAAAAR) more people die every year from the regular strain of the flu. But those people (those… scientists) they are underestimating the body count that is about to befall our city. It’s the best to sit here and give yourself a bleeding ulcer worrying about it, rather than to say, wash your hands like a civilized person and not hack phlegm directly into the faces of those who are sitting next to you on the bus. (SERIOUSLY – were you raised by goats? Where and when has it ever been socially acceptable to openly cough into a crowd of people in a confined space? To not even attempt to pretend like you are being courteous enough to care if those around you get infected and DIE?  The answer? Nowhere. Notime. It’s the polite thing here in North America ON EARTH to at least FEIGN that you give a shit enough about those around you to keep your diseases to yourself. No one cares if you secretly lick your hands and wipe them furiously on the bus poles AFTER you have politely covered your mouth and coughed gently into it like a dignified human being. Pretend. If nothing else than to quiet the mass hysteria that is about to bust out from the stampede of people who while attempting to flee this death pit of infectious germs will instead crush each other to death on their way out the door. But never, never forget – the SWINE FLU is lurking in the shadows waiting to overtake us all at any moment. In fact, just today in the paper “they” are predicting it’s going to be back… next year (but we’ll all be dead, so no need to worry about that).

My vision has become blurry while typing this post, and rather than assume that it has to do with the fact that I have repeatedly been pounding my own head into the brick fireplace mantle, I’m just going to go ahead and give my final word of advice to my loyal reader…

Wash your hands.
Don’t spit in strange people’s mouths.
Picking up gum off the ground may seem like a delicious and financially frugal way of saving a few bucks, but don’t.  It won’t have any flavour left, anyway.
… and most important of all – the most surefire way of keeping healthy?

Stop buying newspapers.

PS
**I feel truly sorry for anyone who has lost a loved on to this outbreak (or ANY outbreak of that matter) of the flu (or any other reason, death = terrible). It’s horrible, absolutely – and I’m not trying to make light of that fact. But this media hype is getting insane. At what point does the newsmedia step back and admit that they are contributing CREATING absolute terror among the general public, that is completely encouraging people to stop living life normally? When children are not allowed to trick or treat on Halloween, people are fist fighting in flu annoculation line ups, and paper masks are becoming more of a fashion accessory than tiny dogs in handbags, that’s when. It’s time to re-evaluate our priorities here in this city. Get your flu shots, by all means – but please, for the love of god, use common sense. If it sounds too sensational and tabloid-esque, well – it’s likely your brain rotting out from the SWINE FLU. Goodbye, reader – it was nice throwing words nonsensically in your direction.