Hi. 
Dear Vancouver,
I am writing this letter to you because I need to get something off my chest. It has been bothering me for about 4 years now, and I tried my best to bite my tongue and let you do your thing. But seriously – it’s getting a little out of hand. You are allowing your new friends to walk all over you. What about those of us who support you and have been around for years? We cheer for your achievements, and stand up for you when things aren’t going so well. Even though we may not understand the choices that you make sometimes, we still adore you anyway. I’m sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, but you should know – some of those people don’t treat you very well. They trash talk you behind your back. I knew they were assholes when they started that rumor about you being a ”no fun city”. Don’t listen to them, Vancouver; they are just obnoxious, materialistic jerks who want to use you for your stuff. That 14-day house party that’s happening – although super prestigious, I hope you understand that you’ll be paying for it for years to come! And you don’t really make that much money, Vancouver. I don’t know why you felt the need to buy everyone sirloin steaks and truffles anyway? They are EXPENSIVE and so impractical! I know you just want to impress everyone with your worldliness, but seriously – what are you going to do with the leftovers?
I’m a bit concerned about your place. It’s really nice. I hope they don’t ruin your stuff. I know they said they weren’t going to invite all that many people, but I think your friends invited their friends, and all of a sudden you may find yourself with so many people packed in your place you might have to call the cops. Are you prepared for that? Do you really even know these people? Admittedly, I was surprised when they shoved you out of the way and started putting random stuff around that doesn’t suit the vibe of your space at all. None of this new stuff really goes together. You know that cool Art Gallery that you were so proud of? Sure it’s an antique, but it was really striking! But they went and threw this giant floral art installation over the whole thing, and now no one will be able to see how neat it was. I also think it was a little audacious that they used your money to pay for all these expensive decorations. Sure, some of them are really pretty - but can you afford them? I mean seriously, you could have just tidied up, threw on a bit of paint here and there, and arranged for some transportation to get people to the party… maybe put out some chips and beer. Isn’t that what you’re about? You are laid back! You are low key! That’s what we love about you!
Some of those people that are coming over look a little shady, Vancouver; I think they might be looking to take advantage of your good nature. Did you know that they are selling tickets to get in? I know originally you wanted to host this great party that was accessible to everyone – but now those tickets are so ridiculously expensive that most of the people who love you the most won’t even be able to get in the door. How did things get so out of hand?
Truthfully, the whole thing makes me a little sad. I’m feeling hurt and a bit betrayed. Don’t get me wrong – I’m still happy for you. I’m happy that you are finally getting your chance to shine, and meet some new people. Maybe I’m just being overprotective, but I just love you so much and don’t want you to see you hurt. You are fantastic just the way you are – you don’t need to put on that horrible dress – it’s not flattering at all, and you look really uncomfortable. When the party is over, and everyone goes home, what sort of impression of you will they come away with? Will your amazing personality have shone through? Did you really need all that shitty costume jewelry? You have incredibly breathtaking natural beauty, Vancouver! You could have just put on some lip gloss and brushed your hair, and people would have been smitten by your witty charm and wicked sense of humor. You look like you are trying to be someone that you’re not. If people wanted that, they would have gone and partied in Las Vegas, or New York. Honestly, if those people keep telling you to need to change to fit in, are they really your friends? I’m sorry that they told you that you weren’t good enough the way you were, Vancouver. But mostly I’m sorry that you believed them. I hope one day you will get some self confidence and stop letting people push you around.
I’m sure most of them are great people, who just want to come, hang out and get to know you. It will be fun! But don’t let all this attention go to your head; being humble is one of your most endearing features. Putting up pretensions – it doesn’t suit you. Just be yourself, and people will notice how amazing you are, don’t worry. I know you are feeling self conscious about the not having enough snow thing, but what can you do? You can’t control everything.
We think you are wonderful and amazing, just the way you are – even if we are feeling a bit pissed off at you at the moment. We’re not trying to prevent you from having a good time; we are just trying to look out for your best interest. After all, we’ll still be here long after the party is over… when you are exhausted, hung-over and feeling a bit used and regretful for spending all that money you didn’t have. We will stand by you regardless, Vancouver, and try our best to look out for you when your place is packed with people stepping all over your carpet with dirty shoes and stealing stuff out of your medicine cabinet. Don’t fret, in a month this will all be behind us and you can take off all that garish makeup and just go back to being you – natural, mountainous, incredible, you.
Love, Vancouverites
PS – GOOD LUCK CANADA!
