Admittedly, it’s been a pretty stressful week. But also a pretty wonderful week as well..
It’s easy to say now that a huge boulder-sized weight was lifted off my shoulders since my last entry. It was a tough one to write, but necessary, vulnerable. I was afraid if I admitted those feelings out loud, wrote them down on paper, it would crush me. It would push me into a downward spiral and consume me. But, I’m here—happier than ever.
Coming here has been one of the best things I’ve ever done. For a myriad of reasons—most totally unexpected. But over the course of 5 weeks, I have grown so much. I learned I can be the type of person to throw caution to the wind and uproot my life to take a chance on the unknown. I learned that shyness and loneliness are things that travel with you—often despite efforts to lose them in transit. I realized that other people can relate.
I learned how much I love the outdoors, and simultaneously how much I hate snow. Well, hate is a strong word—I love snow when it’s falling, I love it when it’s pristine for as far as you can see, I love it when it caps the mountains. But I hate the cold—how it breaks you down, and makes you wish for green; makes you long for the buds just beginning to peek up in Vancouver, the cherry blossoms and magnolias that will be growing there shortly. Most of all, I learned so much about who I am. I know that sounds cheesy and cliché, but also, true. I learned that -36 weather freezes ice to your eyelashes, and makes cold feel like you’re pressing your skin to a hot burner. Curious, opposite.
I learned it’s OK to change my mind.
I’m ecstatic to admit that I’m heading back to Vancouver. In a self-propelled, determined-to-continue-to-make-this-year-what-I want-it-to-be way.
A few months ago I spoke to the fact that this being my 32nd year, I felt a lot of pressure to really DO something with it. And in the weeks after getting to Banff and feeling disheartened and failing, it was hard to see the idea of me not continuing here anything but admitting defeat. But nothing could be further from the truth. I made the choice to come here, and in that process, got to spend 5 weeks in the mountains, meet a handful of really amazing people, grow internally by leaps and bounds, be inspired, and solidify that not only do I know more than ever what I want out of life, I’m strong enough to recognize when I’m not getting it, and take the steps necessary to change.
I’m not advocating giving up on things when they get tough. I’m advocating looking inside and knowing what is best for you, regardless of other people’s opinions, or self imposed obligation. I realized this last week that life shouldn’t feel like a prison sentence where you are counting down the days until you can do something different—be somewhere else. If that is what life feels like, regardless of place or circumstance, it’s time to change. If you are staying at a job you despise because you are terrified of what you will do after it, or if you continue in a relationship that is not fulfilling because you are scared of being alone. You’re not going to win a “I Toughed Out an Intolerable Situation for a Ridiculous Amount of Time” award. Or if you do, it will be ugly and won’t match your decor.
So I’m advocating the ‘Reassessment Pass’. The ‘It’s-OK-to-Change-Your-Mind Pass’. It’s like a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card, except smaller and more liberating.
In my 32nd year so far, I’ve moved forward from a job that wasn’t creatively fulfilling, despite paying me very well. I packed up my life that was comfortable and familiar and moved to another province to try to advance my career. Understood that in the situation I put myself in, there was no way that was going to happen. Made it ok to change. Taken about 3000 photos so far, created about 10 new pieces of art. Written. Read books. Designed. Made new friends. Been true to myself. Understood where my heart lies. That in of itself is huge—noteworthy. Enough.
I’m heading back to B.C. on Wednesday. I’m determined to continue my search for a great job. I’m thrilled and excited at the prospect of discovering my new home. I have a hazy idea in my mind’s-eye of what she looks like, but will know her when I see her. I hope she has a clawfoot tub. Windowboxes. Maybe a new neighborhood that I can explore.
I think the most important lesson for me has been this: Never, never settle for anything less than what brings you happiness. Screw what other people think. Screw preconceived notions and expectations placed on yourself. If you’re not getting what you need, take steps to change it. Life shouldn’t be about marking time.
Spring, here I come.
